January 1

I am so ready for this holiday season to be over.  I’m ready for it to be January 1 and to start all over again with a new year.

It’s a very rare occasion that I get sick – maybe once every year and a half.  I’m just getting over being sick now, it’s the second time in 6 months?  I know exactly why I got sick this time, too.  The emotional drain, the exhaustion… I’ve been feeling run down.  On Christmas Day I got an email from a friend of Vera’s, answering my questions about the funeral, her baby… so my Christmas Day started off with finding out that I was wrong to get my hopes up.  Vera’s baby’s heart was pumping, but there was no brain activity. So… fuck.  It was all really for nothing.

I also made the mistake of learning more about embolisms – specifically, the pulmonary embolism, which is what happened to Vera.  It turns out that, while rare, pulmonary embolisms are the leading cause of death in pregnancy.  You can have it for a while, before it kills you, and it’s extremely painful.  There are symptoms, but in a pregnant woman with asthma, the symptoms can easily be overlooked. If they are not overlooked & the embolism is found, death can be prevented.  Unfortunately, I don’t know whether she’d complained of any of the symptoms or if this was known… well, not “unfortunately,” really, because it wouldn’t do any good for me to know now, would it?

It was a lot easier when I didn’t know anything and thought “embolism” meant something involving the brain, only, and that her death was so quick she’d no time to think.  But now it seems she was in pain & had plenty of time to know something was wrong and to worry about Stela.  It was a small comfort to think she’d at least have this daughter to carry on her memory… now there isn’t even that.

What the fuck?

It’s kind of funny to watch all the Christmas commercials on tv – for gifts, sales, Hallmark cards, etc.  An alien race would come here, watch these ads and think Christmas was a beautiful, jolly time for all.  In truth, this season is pretty dark for many people.  It’s gloomy.  I’ve gotten completely sucked in my the gloom and I’m mad at myself for it, but really, it can’t be helped.  I’ve been coming to terms with things that happened in the past, with my mom, and then someone I loved died. So… there’s that.   I haven’t been getting us outside on walks or eating as well as I should.  And no, the weather is no excuse.  We walk in rain & gray and DEFINITELY in snow.  A good snowfall makes for the perfect walk.  I’ve been letting a lot of things slide.

I’m told that the gloom should lift, come January.  Once the holiday season is past.  It will, I’m fairly familiar with it by now. So I’ll spend the next week or so focusing on what I’m planning for the future.

This year I’m focusing on my postpartum doula certification.  I need to finish the one book I started, read 2 more, take a lactation class and then I can take the week long postpartum doula certification class.  I’m taking a beginner sewing class the second weekend in January, which I’m REALLY excited about, because I’ll finally know how to work my sewing machine.  That means I can finally make our new duvet cover (or several) and matching pillowcases, curtains, a comforter for Nugget and a zillion other things.  It occurred to me that it was incredibly stupid to spend $1000 on bedding at Anthropologie when I can choose my own fabric and making an entire matching set that’s even nicer.

Also, something that’s been hanging over me and in my thoughts often over the years – finally finishing my degree.  My Associates had been in the works for over a decade and I never finished it.  There was always work, or disinterest, or confusion about what I wanted to do, or moving or no time or exhaustion.  Mostly a lack of focus.  I miss my more intellectual endeavors and have realized how badly I want to get my BA.  So next week, I’m going to talk to an adviser at the University of Washington about their evening program.  I waffled back and forth several times about what I should get my degree in – something practical or my first true love?  I’m going with my true love – English and Literature.  If you look back at my transcripts you’ll see that the only classes I was consistent in and got straight A’s throughout were all the English-centered classes – modern fiction, literary criticism, creative writing, etc.  They were a breeze and an absolute joy.  Beyond that, I’d love to get a masters at some point – but luckily, it’s pretty common to do such things in your 40s.  I’m not pushed for time.