This has to be the longest I’ve gone without posting in a long while.
I have all these posts on draft, but blah blah blah, they’re too long and rambling and why do I feel a need to be so detailed and explain every moment?
Long story short: I wasn’t happy with my therapist’s tendency to cancel on me, and last minute at that. (I mean, if *I* do that, I still have to pay, so shouldn’t I get free sessions or something if she cancels less than 24 hours? Twice in a row, even?)
I wasn’t happy with the psychiatrist, either – I HATED the pill he put me on and I wasn’t a big fan of him, personally, either. Nor did I like having two separate doctors who didn’t know what the other was doing. What, you trust me to communicate well enough between the two?
I found a new psychiatrist, who both talks to me and medicates (apparently a rarity these days – oh, how times have changed since I went to my first psych appointment 17 years ago.)
This new psychatrist is fucking brilliant. Psychic, even. Ok, not really, but she’s eerily intuitive and a strange “vision” of sorts yesterday. Strange as in it came up randomly and I was blown away that she asked me what she did.
She told me that everyone’s been pussing footing around just telling me that they think I’m bipolar. She thinks it’s a lot to digest. I’ve no problem with being told I’m bipolar – it’s just that, to me, bipolar has always meant batshit crazy. I’ve seen the movies, I read Liz Spikol. Not to mention, I do not have manic highs. Ever. Hell, I’d be happy to have some kind of high – my problem is in the irritability, the lows, the lack of energy and motivation and my low points.
Apparently, irritability is now a key factor in bipolar-ness (I can see Boyfriend thinking, “Yeah, I’m not irritating, you’re just bipolar,” every time I roll my eyes and tell him to shut it.)
She put me on Lamictal and let me tell you, I love this drug. I don’t know about it’s effectivity yet, but I have never in my entire life taken a drug that didn’t make me feel crappy. I don’t even take Tylenol PM because I’m so sensitive to drug hangovers. Everything makes me woozy or nauseous or like I’ve been punched out. I don’t have any of that. No dizziness. No pukey feeling.
It’s only been a week, and I’m bumping up to a full 25mg today, so we’ll see. I’ve been unusually focussed the past few days and even less crabby in the morning. (LESS CRABBY IN THE MORNING. Do you hear that? Well, no, none of you know just how unapproachable and scary I am in the morning, but trust me on this.) I’ve been focussed and working a lot, and have energy. I don’t know yet if that’s just because I’ve been on the upswing (my moods and energy go in cycles) or because of the Lamictal (I always thought these things took a few weeks to kick in?) or maybe a combination of both. I’m waiting to see if this focussed-ness lasts – though I will say, the focus and energy to go the way I’ve been doesn’t usually last more than a day or two.
But having energy is a grand thing, especially when you’re a freelancer. I never thought I’d be one of those, but that is, indeed, what I am and have been for quite some time. And I love it in many ways. The only time I don’t love it is when I realize that I can’t stop going, can’t stop checking in on email, etc, and can’t stop hustling for a moment – especially, you know, in this economy. The last two people I’ve done work for are thrilled to death and telling their friends, which is the most important thing. It’s all about the word of mouth.
In any case, I am still attempting to get out of the house. I’d like to think that once I finish this post and hit publish, I might do so… but I’ll most likely just get absorbed in something else and spend another 3 hours in front of my laptop.